I love seeing people’s hunger to learn how to respond to conflict differently, to grow this capacity. It’s so heartening for me. In all these intensives, person after person shared inspiring stories of how their lives have been affected and how they are making a difference in their worlds. There’s a hunger not just to mediate conflict in their own lives, but also how to help other people, how to make a larger contribution in some way. In the stories that I hear from people and what they say they want to do with the training  — it’s a lot about how they can bring more connection into conflict when it’s happening in the world. In essence, it seems they want to be part of humanity’s evolving to greater skill in the face of conflict and intensity.

In Korea, in one of the evening sessions, I did a healing and reconciliation role-play with a participant in the training. Close to 40 other people in the training were watching. Because of a Q & A session with the group beforehand, we didn’t start the role-play until around 8:30pm. I was feeling some tiredness, but also a surge of energy to work with this person, as if part of me could tell that something important was going to happen. For 20 years she had been in enormous pain and suffering in relation to her mother-in-law. In my work with her she went so deep, revealed and shared so much of herself, her grief, her rage. She couldn’t even look at me as she imagined me to be her mother-in -law. She said she hated me and she’d suffered so much. I think at one point she said she hoped I would die. By the end of the process I went through with her, she was looking at me. She was smiling. She wished for me [mother-in-law] to have connection not only with myself but also with my sons. There was this lightness in the room. The “energy” had completely shifted. She was soft and open, and there was a relaxation in her face and as sense of compassion coming from her – a literal transformation!  And she did this with a whole group of people witnessing, lending their silent empathic presence. After we ended the role-play, she said to me, “This is something I’ll remember for the rest of my life.”

It’s so moving for me to be a part of something like this, the fact that she was willing to work on it in that way, willing to go that deep in front of the group and allowing that transformation to happen. She had a vision of what was possible and was willing to heal and to move out of hatred and anger and bitterness into a different place. The people who show up to these trainings are like that. It’s what they seem to be about. It’s tremendously inspiring to me. I get to be around people who want to do that kind of work with themselves and offer that gift to others, to the world. I literally can go 12-14 hours a day, day after day, and not get overly tired, even with heavy jet lag. And I’m pretty introverted by nature, so being in groups tends to take energy out of me, but working with people who have this intention in the world gives me a lot energy. I hear it in the way they share about their experiences and the rest of their lives. Even what I hear them say after doing the exercises often really moves me. I get to be part of that. It’s wonderful.

Parameters of “professional behavior” in today’s workplaces vary, but basic ground rules remain. Most rules, implicit or explicit, emphasize self-control. While “on the clock,” we’re expected to stay on-task and distance ourselves from personal feelings or needs. Some workplaces more casual and less hierarchical. “Transparency” is in, yet no matter how laid-back or buttoned up the work culture, sharing emotions—especially intense or “negative” emotions—is usually discouraged among colleagues. Read more at Ode Magazine…

Based on my understanding of Integral Theory (see the works of Ken Wilber and colleagues), I see people with different value systems and worldviews prioritize different needs and have different moralities for meeting needs. In the realm of politics for example, I see three main groups – “conservative”, “mainstream”, and “liberal.” To generalize and oversimplify, I see the conservative worldview prioritize needs for order and stability, with a morality emphasizing external authority and rules/laws. I see the mainstream worldview prioritize self-expression and achievement, with a morality emphasizing material attainment. And lastly, I see the liberal worldview prioritize inclusion and empathy, with a morality emphasizing dialogue and non-hierarchy/equality of perspectives, power, access to resources, etc.

We all see the world through particular beliefs and values, and many of us can probably identify with more than one worldview depending on the situation. I see all three of the worldviews above as valuable and essential, as well as each having different limitations. I envision NVC mediation as a bridge allowing communication and collaboration between all groups and people with cultural and ideological differences. The way I think we will be able to contribute to this happening is if we can share NVC-based work separate from our personal worldview and values. I see how difficult this has been for me, but thinking about it this way gives me a great sense of meaning, purpose, and excitement!