Empathy and Mindfulness in Conversation

3Chairs Practice

The 3Chairs Practice supports resolving and transforming a problem or difficulty between you and another person, and/or between parts of yourself. You can do the practice by yourself or with the help of a practice partner or partners, using role play. 

Mediate Your Life and the 3Chairs Practice integrates the work of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a mediation framework, mindfulness, and trauma healing.

 

Core Components of Nonviolent Communication — OFNR
Levels of language and awareness

  • Observation (mind) - sense perceptions and thoughts, judgments
  • Feeling (body) - physical sensation and emotion [Feelings list]
  • Need (universal) - qualities that sustain and enhance life [Needs list]
  • Request (action) - specific ways of meeting needs, honoring choice 

 

The Practice

You are invited to explore, experiment, and discover how you want to move through the chairs and what works best for you in your experience.

 

The Three Chairs — Me, You, We

  1. The 1st Chair is the perspective of “Me” who is reacting to “You” in the situation. 
  2. The 2nd Chair is the perspective of “You”, the “Other,” in the situation.
  3. The 3rd Chair is the perspective of “We” that holds understanding and the needs of both Me and You, self and other.
  4. [We includes a larger circle of family, community, society, culture, and systems influencing and interrelating with the situation.]

 

In the 3rd Chair of We:

  1. I am — breathing, now.
  2. I am aware of mind — seeing, hearing, thinking.
  3. I am aware of body — feeling sensations and emotions.
  4. I am aware of being — aliveness and wholeness.
  5. I am wellbeing — peaceful, loving, joyful, soulful.
  6. I am We — part of a larger love and wisdom.

Practice Rounds
The 3rd Chair holds empathic, compassionate, collaborative presence that warmly welcomes the two chairs of Me and You, self and other.

 

You can do the practice:

  • By yourself - start in the 3rd Chair, then move through the chairs.
  • With one practice partner - practice partner starts in 1st Chair.
  • With two or more practice partners - practice partners start in 1st and 2nd Chairs.

 

Practice Overview

  1. 1st Chair, Me expresses (OFN).
  2. Me asks for understanding (R).
  3. 2nd Chair, You expresses (OFN).
  4. You asks for understanding (R).
  5. 3rd Chair, We work together to look for a solution that meets everyone’s needs (R).

Mutual Understanding Phase with Guiding Prompts

 

Step 1: Me Expresses (OFN)

1st Chair:

  • What part or parts of Me would you like to be understood (perceptions and thoughts about the situation)?
  • What is this part or parts of Me expressing in my body (physical sensations and emotions)?
  • What does this part or parts of Me want and care about (universal needs, values)? 

 

Step 2: Request for Understanding

1st Chair, do you want:

  • What 2nd Chair heard from you?
  • How is it for them to hear what you said?
  • Both, or something else? 

 

Step 3: You Expresses (OFN)


2nd Chair:

  • What part or parts of You would you like to be understood (perceptions and thoughts about the situation)?
  • What is this part or parts of You expressing in your body (physical sensations and emotions)?
  • What does this part or parts of You want and care about (universal needs, values)?

 

Step 4: Request for Understanding

2nd Chair, do you want:

  • What 1st Chair heard from you?
  • How is it for them to hear what you said?
  • Both, or something else? 

 

Solution Phase with Guiding Prompts

  • 1st Chair: Do you have a specific idea, action, or request for a solution that might meet the needs of both Me and You?

 

  • 2nd Chair: Do you have a specific idea, action, or request for a solution that might meet the needs of both You and Me?

 

  • 3rd Chair: Does an image, idea, or thought of a new, creative possibility for a solution come to you?

 

Pause the practice and debrief your experience, using the following questions if you would like.

 

Debrief Questions

  • What happened or changed in your experience as you moved through the process and into generating a solution?
  • What was your experience of the 3rd Chair?
  • What have you received, appreciated, and learned or discovered by doing the practice?
  • Anything else?
  • Would you like to continue practicing now or at another time?